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u know u’re a drunkard when… (04)

  • You have so much alcohol in your system that your cab driver has to be HazMat certified.
  • If a drunk jumped off a building, you’d bravely leap forward to break the fall of his bottle.
  • You install shag carpet because it’s easier to hang on to.
  • Embalming fluid would be an improvement.
  • Your last Breathalyzer reading was “No Fucking Way.”
  • Distilleries fight over the billboard nearest to your place of residence.
  • The state has installed a Breathalyzer interlock device on your shoes.
  • You drew up a living will that states very clearly that you do not want the booze tube removed under any circumstances.
  • Your friends often substitute “Good night” with “Hey, you can’t sleep here.”
  • When you donate blood they store it in oak barrels.
  • You openly commit crimes just to learn new pruno recipes.
  • Your name is a police code for Public Intoxication.
  • You’re fairly sure a letter to Dear Abby signed “Want To Leave the Bum, But Can’t” was written by your liver.

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