u know u’re a drunkard when… (04)

• You have so much alcohol in your system that your cab driver has to be HazMat certified.
• If a drunk jumped off a building, you’d bravely leap forward to break the fall of his bottle.
• You install shag carpet because it’s easier to hang on to.
• Embalming fluid would be an improvement.
• Your last Breathalyzer reading was “No Fucking Way.”
• Distilleries fight over the billboard nearest to your place of residence.
• The state has installed a Breathalyzer interlock device on your shoes.
• You drew up a living will that states very clearly that you do not want the booze tube removed under any circumstances.
• Your friends often substitute “Good night” with “Hey, you can’t sleep here.”
• When you donate blood they store it in oak barrels.
• You openly commit crimes just to learn new pruno recipes.
• Your name is a police code for Public Intoxication.
• You’re fairly sure a letter to Dear Abby signed “Want To Leave the Bum, But Can’t” was written by your liver.