u know u’re a drunkard when…(07)

• You can order a beer in 17 different languages but don’t know how to pronounce “Perrier.”
• When a cop asks, “Have we been drinking?” you reply, “Do you really think I’d drink with the likes of you?”
• You freak out when you wake up in your own bed.
• You’d have passed the sobriety test if you hadn’t mistaken the Breathalyzer for a bugle.
• Your waking thought is, “Wow, look at all the gum stuck to the bottom of the table.”
• You got in trouble at work because your standard greeting is, “Hey, let’s do a shot!”
• You cursed the St. Bernard who rescued you because he had the nerve to bring only one lousy liter of brandy.
• You can hear someone whisper “free beer” from three blocks away.
• You consider a bottle of cheap whiskey and two shot glasses a very romantic gift.
• You hate it when men give you flowers because, hey—you can’t drink flowers.
• You dream of the beautiful day when all races, religions, creeds and colors finally get it together and pitch in to buy you a case of decent scotch.
• You show up to brewery tours wearing fins and a snorkel.
• You tell your friends your dog’s name is “Time For A Beer Run” but you call him “Hurry Up.”
• The tooth fairy left you shots of Vodka.
• You’ve convinced yourself your liver isn’t distended—it’s pregnant. With a new liver.